A Verbal Purge

Last inspiration: April 30. I ran 10 miles the day before. Then the craziness began...

So many great things have happened to people I'm close to in the past couple of weeks. S and Jo had a beautiful and healthy baby, L defended her dissertation and passed (I knew you would!), B finished his coursework (forever, cross your fingers), A landed a high school teaching position at a fantastic private school, B's sister-in-law to be and brother both secured jobs for their first years out of college, and then there's me...

I'm not trying to have a pity party for myself. But, there are times in one's life when you realize you haven't accomplished much that matters.

I spent a whirlwind weekend in Cambridge with L and J. We had lots to accomplish in a short amount of time seeing as I couldn't stay as long as we originally planned. J has an internship in Hong Kong for the summer and needed an entire work-appropriate wardrobe. I was called in as chief consultant and enjoyed every minute of suit/pant/shirt/tie shopping. I am good at assisting wary shoppers but that doesn't seem to count for much in the real world.

In Cambridge, we went to a couple of parties that were given by and for the Fletcher School of Law and Diplomacy students. I'm constantly surrounded by grad school types who are in philosophy or literature and I don't typically feel like I'm missing the PhD boat. But this time, I had no way to really relate to diplomatic want-to-be's. (I didn't spell 'wannabes' because I wanted to be a little more respectful. These people are in no way, shape, or form 'posers' trying to get into the loop of politics, they are the real thing.)

When you get into that kind of situation, two veins of thought surface: 1) I don't care what these people are talking about. They are deeply involved in their small subculture and seem to have blinders on to other things. I wouldn't want to be a part of their subculture anyway. YAWN! OR 2) Oh my goodness, I haven't done anything important in my life. I have nothing interesting to say. All I do is workout, sew, cook, blog, talk on the phone(obviously about nothing important), and sleep. What am I doing with my life?

I went with number two. I tried really hard to stick with my initial number one, but my insecurities just kept creeping back.

Looking back on what I might have accomplished in the past...I did successfully finish teaching in a couple of terrible middle schools in LA. Thankfully, I had Jo with me for every step the final two years. We went through a ton of crap together and there would have been even more tears(and less vodka and denim-thank you sister!) if I had done it alone.

So I've been a teacher in a rough school. So what.

If I force myself to "snap out of it" and look at my feelings of inadequacy from a practical view, I tell myself--go back to school with the rest/best of them and get a higher degree. But, I'd have to be passionate enough about a subject I can actually take classes in to even begin to imagine writing papers again. So far, I'm not feelin' it about any "practical" Mater's degree subjects.

Oh yeah, I ran two marathons. But how is that helping the world?

I'm feeling a little better about this since I've written it down. I know that someone out there who will read this has felt the same way, maybe not about the same things, but the same insecurities.

In this tornado of self-deprecating thought, I was looking for a job in a very stagnate job market. A former teacher doesn't get looked at as having quality office skills. Let me assure you, I do. Teachers, if they're good, can multitask like a crazy person, sans all the shouting at invisible people. They've got skills that no CEO can imagine having--communication, the ability to change directions in the middle of a planned out presentation/lesson, dealing with crazy incidences calmly with 30 kids under foot(being on lock down, fights in the classroom, I could go on), making a zillion photocopies in the short "planning period" they get. I'm telling you, teachers can do it all but hardly get the respect they deserve.

I'm really rambling.

So I got a call. Number 5, it's one of the area's top restaurants (just what I've heard, I haven't eaten there). I was called in for an interview. My application had the "catering staff" box checked which caught the interest of the owner, Jim. We met for 45 minutes and I was actually bold enough to tell him that I didn't want to carry a tray and serve, I wanted to plan and organize the events catered by the restaurant. The office is in a state of flux and he might be in need of someone to do sales and marketing, he'd let me know. Great, that line again.

Now I know. I'm hired. I've been working since Tuesday. I don't want to go into particulars but as of now I am working on the marketing aspect of the catering business. In the next few months, I'll be getting more involved in selling and planning events.

The verdict: so far, so great. :) I'm meeting with the printers tomorrow to finalize the brochure I made and also to get my very own business cards. I'm pretty stoked.

There's a drawback...I'm working :( Goodbye 3 hour Ballys visits, goodbye daytime tv, goodbye-that's not too time consuming to cook, goodbye going to the movies with B at noon. It had to end sometime...